HOW TO HAVE SEX ON AN AIRPLANE, ACCORDING TO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS

There are some titles you earn that nobody can ever take away: Marine. Ph.D. And, of course, card-carrying member of the Mile High Club.

Yep, once you’ve done it at 30,000ft, you’ve pretty much won the “where’s the kinkiest place you’ve had sex?” game for life. You will own everybody at “Never Have I Ever.”

Even better, pulling off airplane sex — contrary to popular belief — doesn’t require chartering a private jet or getting arrested when your flight lands. Nope, it’s totally doable! And to find out how, we asked flight attendants for their top tips/suggestions. (Note: not because flight attendants are having any mid-flight sex, or course, but because they know EXACTLY how you could get away with it.) And then we took their advice and turned it into a series of helpful stick-figure illustrations.

On a standard domestic flight

On a standard domestic flight

Step 1: Start an argument. Like, maybe one of you is bogarting the SkyMall or won’t shut off the reruns of Good Morning LA. Sure, there’s a 97% chance someone will live-tweet it, but they don’t know your REAL names.

Step 2: Say something so inflammatory it forces the other person to get up and leave. Like, “I’ll give back the SkyMall as soon as I find something in it that’ll discretely kill your Chihuahua.”

Step 3: The offended party leaves in a tear-filled huff and locks him or herself in the bathroom.

Step 4: The party who is now left with nothing but horrible awkwardness and a copy of SkyMall gets up and bangs on the lavatory door to apologize.

Step 5: The person in the restroom opens the door, and invites the other one in so the “fight” can continue in the bathroom.

Step 6: Have fake hate sex in the lavatory while other passengers think you’re still fighting.

On a domestic red-eye

On a domestic red-eye

Step 1: Book a red-eye flight. According to our FAs, “nobody really gives a fuck on those flights” so, if you think about it, you’re almost half way there and you haven’t even boarded yet.

Step 2: Select the aisle and window seats of the same row, ideally on a flight that doesn’t typically sell out. Since people rarely choose middle seats, if everything works out, you SHOULD have a whole row to yourselves.

Step 3: Wait until the meal service has ended in first class and the cabin lights go out. Watch the lights in the FRONT of the plane — when they go out too, that’s your cue.

Step 4: Snuggle up under a blanket that you brought in your carry-on bag. Nobody needs to be playing the STD blame game when the real culprit is an airplane quilt.

Step 5: “The seats are so cramped that you wouldn’t believe the ridiculous positions people sleep in,” said the flight attendants. So the passengers could conceivably do “reverse cowgirl.” Or any other position that looks like you’re sleeping, really.

Step 6: Do it under the blanket. But remember, be quiet, people are sleeping/watching Eat Pray Love right next to you!

On an international red-eye

On an international red-eye

Step 1: If you’re traveling anywhere overseas — on vacation, for business, to catch an international art thief, whatever — make it an overnight flight.

Step 2: Since most bigger planes that fly international routes don’t allow for two people in three seats (what with their big center sections and pairs of double seats on each side), the “in-the-seat” option is less likely to work. Request a seat in coach near the mid-cabin restrooms.

Step 3: Wait until the flight attendants start taking their breaks. This is after the FIRST meal service. Again, the cabin lights going out in the front of the plane is your cue.

Step 4: Wait for a lull in business at the mid-cabin restrooms after people start falling asleep. This typically happens around three to four hours into the flight.

Step 5: Once again, nobody cares as much on these flights, so as soon as you see the restrooms are empty, make your move and snag one.

Step 6: Have a long meaningful discussion about your future as a couple in the airplane bathroom. Or, bang each other’s brains out. Your call.

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